People don’t seem to like fish. They’re slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you’re swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by. (Um… OK?)

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You’ve done enough damage, buddy. We’ve got it from here. And we’re going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it’s time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten? (OMFG, WTF??? Wow…)

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Visiting my local Petco store, I was shocked at what I saw. To be sure, I will never do business there again.

Last week I purchased three fish (platy) for a starter tank for my grandfather. As of today, he has one less. Yesterday, I observed the fish in question just sitting near the bottom of the tank. Two others were very lively, but this guy was just moping around. I figured he’d be dead soon. I was right.

Let me go back to Monday, before the fish died. I went to the Petco store in question to pick up a few neon tetras. A sign on the take read “Under Observation.” Maybe a virus I mused. Anyway, all the tetras were under some type of quarantine, so we didn’t buy any.

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